


Bluebird

by r2q5



Series: Bluebird [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Latrophobia, M/M, Medical Trauma, Panic Attacks, Paranoia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 10:16:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10091831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r2q5/pseuds/r2q5
Summary: Due to childhood trauma, Hux is terrified of doctors. A required appointment goes wrong, and Kylo attempts to help a distressed, inexplicably regressed Armitage cope.





	1. Panic! At the Medbay

Hux rarely left the cold, familiar comfort of the Finalizer. The crew needed him, and there was hardly ever a mission of such importance that the general of the First Order himself needed to be present. Even the Starkiller project was mostly able to be managed remotely. In most cases, it simply just made sense for him to stay aboard, and he greatly preferred it that way.

This time, though, was different. The Supreme Leader himself had ordered Hux on a planetside mission - a diplomatic meeting on a planet called Akuria. He hardly even remembered what the issue was about, likely some negotiation over resources, of all things. He had a feeling Snoke was punishing him for something.

Whatever. It's not like he hadn't been through worse.

The buzz from his office door dragged him from his thoughts. He hit a button on his datapad to allow entry.

The door slid open with a hiss and Mitaka walked in, clutching a datapad in one hand and saluting him with the other. He came to a halt before the desk.

"General."

Hux nodded, hardly looking up from the datapad in front of him. "At ease. Yes, Lieutenant?"

Mitaka relaxed, his shoulders slumping a bit. "It’s about the Akuria mission. You should be all clear to leave 7 standard days from now, there's just one issue."

Hux paused. "Yes?"

"As of a few months ago, all personnel traveling offship are required to be vaccinated for the Nebellia virus." Mitaka looked down at his datapad, slightly nervous. "All of the officers should have been vaccinated by now, but the medbay doesn't seem to have one on file for you."

All of the blood seemed to drain from Hux's body at once. He remembered the order that came from the medbay, remembered ignoring it, because he couldn't - he didn't do vaccinations. He was the _general_. He'd go wherever he damn well pleased with or without the authorization of some doctor.

He scowled, ignoring the nervous tremor now present in his hands. "Get it sorted out, Lieutenant. Make them fudge the paperwork or write an exception. I don't have time for a vaccination."

"Sir-"

Hux locked eyes with him, glaring. "That's an order, Lieutenant."

\--

The medbay had refused to waive the vaccine for him.

He hated vaccinations. He hated doctors. He hated everything about this. That was an understatement, really.

It was more than just a simple distaste. The sterile bleakness of the medbay brought back memories he'd rather wipe by force away from his mind, of being dragged, crying, into a hospital room as a child, of being forcibly held down and sedated when he wouldn't quit and - he didn't want to think about that - memories that made him freeze up and stop breathing every time he remembered.

He had successfully avoided the medbay as much as possible during his time on the Finalizer, putting off his checkups and vaccinations as long as possible, or convincing the right people to look the other away. He didn't know why they refused to budge this time.

He just - Doctors couldn't be trusted. That was it. There was no reason for anyone to treat him like- like a piece of meat, like an animal, he hated anyone poking and prodding at his body and invading his space and _violating_ him and-

Every other situation, he could handle. He was a general, it was a necessity. He could give orders in a firefight without breaking a sweat, make snap decisions in life-or-death circumstances while keeping his cool.

Doctors were another story.

* * *

Hux stared at the glossy anatomy posters on the opposite wall, trying to distract himself. He felt too hot and too cold at the same time, his hands were clammy and a cold sweat covered his entire body. He wanted nothing more than to run out of the room and back to the safety of his quarters.

He heard the hissing, disembodied voice of his father, " _Don't be a weakling"_ , keeping him in his place on the wax-paper-covered exam chair. What would his crew think of him if they found out their general had run away from a vaccine like a scared child?

_It's just a vaccine._

It was tempting, though.

A man came in, startling him. Hux's heartbeat raced and he stared at the intruder. Tall, balding. Possibly mid-forties, looked like just about every other First Order officer, except older. Utterly unremarkable, yet terrifying.

Hux tried to say something, but his voice wouldn't come.

The man smiled at Hux as he walked across to the counter in the exam room. "Nice to see you, General. My name is Dr. Tarwik. You haven't been here in quite a while, have you?" His voice sounded far away. Hux's ears were ringing.

The man placed the datapad on the counter and started typing something, presumably Hux's information. Hux could only see his back.

"Any changes in your health since you were last here?"

"No."

"Do you smoke?"

"No."

"Drink?"

"Occasionally."

"Are you sexually active?"

"No." _yes._

The man nodded, and then turned around. "Alright. Well, we just need to do a quick physical as well as the vaccine and then we can get you out of here. I know you must be awfully busy." He smiled, and closed the datapad.

Hux filled with dread. "They didn't say anything about a physical."

"You haven't had one in years. We should get it done while you're in."

Hux didn't respond. He dug his fingernails into his hand.

_liar. he's mocking you._

"Are you alright, sir?"

Hux took a breath, willing himself to keep it together.

"I just... want this over with as quickly as possible." He managed to keep his voice from cracking. “I'm very busy. Like you said.”

The doctor looked at him sympathetically. Hux wanted to stab him.

"It won't be long at all, I assure you. I'm going to take a listen to your heart, is that okay?"

Hux nodded, cautiously, but made no movement. The man stared at him for a moment.

"I'll need you to remove your shirt. The uniforms, you know, they're too thick to hear anything through." The man laughed, slightly awkwardly.

 _Pervert. Can't be trusted. Can’t be trusted._ He unbuttoned and removed the thick uniform shirt anyway, leaving only a thin, cotton undershirt underneath.

Suddenly Hux felt the stethoscope on his back, under his shirt, and flinched from the cold metal feeling on his skin. The doctor had him take deep breaths in and out a few times, and Hux was humiliated at how shaky he was. After what felt like an abnormally long time, the doctor pulled away from him and put the device back around his neck. 

"Everything sounds normal. Could you pull your shirt up and lay back for me, now?"

Hux felt like crying. This was ridiculous. "Why?"

"I need to feel your abdomen. It won't be painful, I just need to press around and make sure everything's how it should be. It helps me check for any abnormal swelling or pain."

"My organs are perfectly fine, I can assure you."

"Please lay back, sir."

He laid back, reluctantly, and pulled his shirt up to his armpits. He felt dizzy, his vision was blurry and every prod of his stomach and _“Does that hurt?”_ made him want to scream.

Next was his blood pressure, temperature, and then his throat, nose and ears were examined. The doctor also tested his joints and reflexes, moving his wrists, elbows, ankles, and testing the range and strength of each. Each test made him feel more and more upset, barely on the edge of keeping it together. The doctor finally pulled away from him and walked to the counter again. Hux breathed a sigh of relief, involuntarily. The doctor laughed lightly with what Hux guessed what was supposed to be sympathy.

"Almost done, we just have the vaccination left." He was pulling a vial from the shelf, swirling it.

Oh no. Oh no no no no no. Not after that physical. If that man touched him one more time he was going to scream.

His head was swimming. He felt nauseous. He needed to get out of there, now, needed an excuse.

"I.. I need to go to the bathroom-" _No, that was awful. He was never getting out of here, never going to-_

"It'll just take a moment, I promise.”

The doctor was walking towards him now, syringe in hand. All Hux he could see was the needle, he was frozen.

Hux tried to force his body to move, shakily drawing away the man in front of him. “No-”

“Sir, if you could just-”

The doctor grabbed his arm, suddenly. Everything in Hux's vision turned red, mental alarms blaring. He screamed, flinching back. His foot came out automatically, almost unconsciously and kicked the doctor square in the gut. The medic doubled over with a grunt, clutching his stomach.

Hux scrambled off the exam table, hurriedly grabbing his shirt and sprinting out of the room, his breaths coming fast and shallow. The hallway was empty, he had to collect himself, had to- if anyone else saw him like this _they’d take him back they’d-_

Hux spotted a refresher down the hall and ducked into it as quickly as he could. He heard voices outside, down the hallway. _they're coming for me they're going to find me no no no no-_

He buttoned his shirt up as effectively as he could with shaking hands, glancing around nervously as if he expected someone to crawl thru the air vents. He slipped out into the hallway and out of the medbay as fast as he could, before he was noticed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only my second fic and I'm slightly nervous about it but people seemed to like the first one so here I am again. \o/
> 
> 7/14/2018 update: second fic ever and still working on this series. sorry about the chapter title btw.


	2. Panic Attacks and Secret Snacks

It took Hux several tries to type the code to his quarters correctly, his hands shaking with barely contained panic. On his fourth try, the doors slid open with a hiss and he stumbled inside, quickly making his way past the modest living area and into his bedroom. The door slid shut behind him automatically.

His uniform felt too tight, he couldn’t breathe. He sat on the floor and pulled at his boots, struggling to get them off. Eventually he succeeded, throwing his boots carelessly to the side then turning his attention to his uniform shirt. He unbuttoned the clasp under the collar and reached for the hidden zipper down the middle, but it was stuck, jammed into place after he had hastily donned it in the medbay refresher.

His panic increased, his breaths now coming fast and shallow. He tugged on the zipper harder, frantically, but it didn't budge. He felt lightheaded, his vision started to spin. He couldn't breathe, he needed to get the shirt off so he could  _breathe_  -

He heard the door of his quarters open, distantly, then footsteps. He sobbed in despair but didn’t move off the ground, couldn’t. Not even the privacy of his quarters were enough to keep out the people that wanted to hurt him, wanted to take him away and-

“Hux?! Hux, what’s going on?”

It was Kylo. He heard the footsteps approaching more quickly now, and then the thud of Kylo’s knees hitting the floor of his quarters next to him

“The shirt, I need to get out of my- I can’t breathe-" He tugged on the zipper again uselessly and kicked his feet at nothing in frustration.

Kylo was behind him. Hux felt himself being moved and quickly propped up against Kylo’s chest, and then Kylo's hand placed over his, where it was clutching the zipper tightly.

“Calm down first and I’ll help you with the shirt. You’ll be okay. Breathe.”

“I _can't_ -!” 

“You’re having a panic attack, it’s temporary. Hold your breath for a moment and then exhale. Like this.”

Hux felt Kylo take in a deep breath and hold it, then exhale. Hux’s breathing hitched a little and he managed to hold his breath for a moment or two, then exhale, before he slipped back into the irregular pattern.

“That was good, let’s do it again. Follow me.”

Hux made a noise like a half sob. Kylo took another deep breath, holding Hux tight against his chest, and then exhaled. Hux followed him as best he could. They did this several times until Hux’s breathing pattern was somewhat back to normal, still raspy but no longer hyperventilating. He felt dizzy, and his heart was pounding.

Kylo reached around and pulled gently on the zipper on the front of Hux’s uniform shirt. Hux’s breath hitched again and Kylo shushed him softly.

The zipper pulled down smoothly and Kylo helped Hux out of the constrictive fabric. Hux let out a shaky sigh of relief and laid back against Kylo’s chest. After a few moments Hux started to grasp at his belt, but his hands were shaking so badly he was making hardly any progress.

“Need help with your trousers?” Kylo offered.  
  
Hux nodded. “Uh huh,” he replied, his voice barely there.

A bit of further maneuvering and Hux was dressed down to his briefs and cotton-grey undershirt. Hux shifted so he was sideways across Kylo’s lap, clinging to him like a scared child, his breathing still raspy and anxious. Kylo stroked his hair gently.

Kylo had seen Hux upset, before. He’d even seen Hux have panic attacks, and walked him through them. Normally Hux’s breakdowns resulted in him closing off and wanting to be alone afterwards, ashamed of his own perceived weakness.

This time, though…

Hux shifted in Kylo’s lap and let out a soft, unintelligible noise, eyes wide and fixed on the bed.

He was like a child.

Kylo followed his gaze. “You wanna sit on the bed?”  
  
Hux nodded, still not looking at Kylo.

Kylo picked him up easily and walked to the bed, laying Hux down on top of the comforter. Hux stared at him nervously, as if anxious to be back in his arms.

Kylo also knew better than to ask what had caused Hux to enter this state. When- and if, he was ready, he’d tell him. For now, he’d do his best to take care of him, like Hux had done for him, in the past.

Kylo crawled onto the bed next to him and gathered Hux back into his arms. Kylo was on his back and Hux to his side, clinging to his chest. Hux made a choked sound, like the beginning of a sob, and buried deeper into Kylo's chest. Kylo brought up one of his hands to gently stroke his hair.  
  
They laid that way for a few minutes, Kylo beginning to gently rub his hand up and down Hux's back. Kylo didn't have much in the way of comfort as an adult - or as a teen, for that matter, but he tried to remember what soothed him as an upset child, and hoped it would soothe Hux as well. It was all he could do.  
  
Hux spoke, eventually, softly and nervously.

"Are you gonna make me go back?"  
  
The question took Kylo aback. "Huh?"  
  
Hux stared at nothing. His fingers came up to his mouth and he started to chew on them, anxiously. "I don't wanna, please don't make me, _please_... I-I'll be good, I-"  
  
Kylo rubbed his back again, quietly shushing him. "No one's going to make you do anything, Hux. It's okay."  
  
Hux shifted slightly, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. He didn’t respond verbally, but made a small sound and relaxed into other man's chest. His hand came up and started playing with a loose thread on Kylo's robe, entranced.

Kylo stared at him, slightly bewildered. This was far from the man Kylo was used to, the man that commanded the Finalizer with ruthless efficiency, argued with Kylo on a daily basis, and would hardly ever allow himself to be comforted. It was almost disconcerting, but Kylo secretly welcomed to chance to have a peaceful moment with him.

They stayed like that for several minutes, Hux’s breathing against his side gradually evening out. Kylo yawned. Moments like this were rare, now, with both of them constantly busy under Snoke's orders. He really shouldn’t fall asleep, it was still about midday, but the bed was so comfortable, and Kylo's eyes were so heavy. He tugged Hux a little closer to his chest.

_It can’t hurt to close your eyes, just for a little bit..._

* * *

Kylo blinked slowly, the vague form of the ceiling coming into view. The brightness from the ceiling lights blinded him, and he groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes and waiting for them to adjust.

_Ok. What just happened?_

Kylo had been… asleep? On top of the blankets, with his robes and boots still on? Oh right, he had sensed Hux’s distress, came to check on him… They had moved to the bed, and Kylo must have dozed off.

But where was Hux?

Kylo heard a _THUD_ from the living area of their shared quarters.

He had a bad feeling about this.

Kylo rolled out of bed and walked to the door that led to the living area, still wincing at the bright light. The door was a standard swinging model, unlike the high-security mechanical doors used for entrances and exits. He tried the doorknob, but it didn’t budge.

Kylo frowned, and tried it again. It didn’t appear to be locked, more like something was blocking the entrance.

He tried again, harder. It opened slowly, and made an awful sound as if something heavy was being scraped against the floor. Kylo grimaced.

He stepped inside cautiously and investigated the other side of the door. There was a chair pressed against it, and a few random items stacked on the chair, as if someone was trying to barricade it. He stared at the sight in bewilderment.

The sudden sound of crackling plastic wrap turned his attention to the center of the room.

Hux was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor. He was wearing one of Kylos’s oversized sweatshirts, which was comically large on him, his briefs, and Kylo’s fuzzy socks.

There was a smear of chocolate on his face. He was holding a small pastry, and the wrappers of several other snacks and candies were littered around him. Hux had locked eyes with him and looked like an oro deer caught in the headlights of a speeder.

It was one of the most bizarre sights Kylo had ever seen.

Kylo kept a small collection of sugary snacks in his quarters as an indulgence. It wasn’t a secret, but Hux had never touched them before. In fact, Hux had scoffed at him for them when Kylo offered some to him, calling the sweets a “childish indulgence”. It had offended Kylo at the time.

...What the hell was this?

After a long moment, Kylo stepped forward, carefully. “Hux?”

“No!” Hux cried, scooting away from Kylo and dropping the pastry.

Kylo put his hands up, bewildered.  “Calm down, I’m not going to hurt you! Just tell me what’s going on?”

Hux backed up against the sofa as tears started to form in the corners of his eyes. “I’m sorry!”

“What are you apologizing for?”

He started to cry, choked out little sobs torn from him throat, not giving an answer. He started at his feet, afraid to even look at him.

Kylo bent down and sat on his heels, staring at him. “Hux.”

Hux wailed.

“Hux!”

"Leave me _alone_!" He kicked at Kylo clumsily and missed. Kylo backed up but stayed sitting up on his knees on the floor, across from Hux.

They stayed there for several minutes. Hux still on the floor, crying into his hands, and Kylo waited for him to speak.

When Hux spoke, he still refused to look at him. His head was still in his hands, words muffled.

"I-I don't know, why I'm acting like this. I hardly remember the past few hours. I had to go to the medbay for… for an injection but then-..."

"I found you in the bedroom having a panic attack."  
  
"R-right?"  
  
They were both silent for a moment, except for Hux's muffled sobs.  
  
"Why my snacks?" Kylo asked dumbly.  
  
"I don't _know_!" Hux yelled and sobbed into his hands again. _Ok._  Kylo thought. _This may be too overwhelming for him to process, right now._

As a rule, Kylo tried to not look into Hux's mind uninvited, but he couldn't help himself. Right now it was far from his normal self, as he expected, it was disorganized, muddled, confused… but more interestingly, the superficial layer of his mind that typically took control during all other times seemed to have been taken away, forcefully hidden somewhere else by Hux himself. It was likely a defense mechanism, Ren pondered. His adult self couldn't deal with whatever happened, so his mind adapted.

All that was left was emotion, instinct. This was not General Hux. This was Armitage, a very young one at that.

It was... disconcerting. This was unknown territory that Kylo didn’t know how to deal with this. But he felt protective. He didn’t want to let Hux down, even if he would almost certainly be mortified when he came back to his adult headspace.

What did Armitage need right now, Kylo pondered. Someone to take control of the situation? Talking about whatever had upset him initially was a no-no right now, as well as referencing Hux’s altered state. He just had to go with it.

Kylo glanced at the chronometer on the wall. He had only been asleep for about an hour, so it was just past midday. Lunch, maybe?

Hux’s sobs were beginning to die down. He took his hands away from his face and rubbed at his eyes blearily, sniffling. His face was red, blotchy, and wet from tears.

"Are you still hungry? Do you want to eat lunch?” Kylo offered.

Hux hiccuped. “No. I feel sick now.”

Kylo considered this. “How about we go back to bed and I’ll get you some medicine? And then we can get some food when your tummy stops hurting.”

Hux went still, suddenly.

“Is that okay?” Kylo asked.

“N-No. I don’t need that. I feel fine. Sorry.”  
  
“You just said you feel sick.”

Hux ignored him. “I don’t need medicine, I feel fine, I-I don’t want…” He sniffled again. “I don’t wanna go to the doctor, please.”

Kylo relented. He didn’t understand, but it was easier to just go with what he was saying. “Okay. No medicine. Let’s get back to bed, though.” He stood up.

Hux nodded, but didn’t move. "Are you mad at me?"

His voice was small, anxious. Kylo's heart hurt, a bit.

"No, no, of course not. Let's get up, sweetheart." He held out a hand.

Hux sniffled again and shakily stood up, holding onto Ren’s arm for support. They walked back to the bed, slowly. Ren un-tucked the blankets and Hux crawled underneath, grabbing an extra pillow and hugging it to his chest.

“Stay right there. I’ll be right back.”

Hux made a sound like the beginning of a protest but it died off. Kylo walked to the bathroom, quickly, and ran part of hand towel under the sink with warm water. He then grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it up as well.

He walked back to the bed with Hux staring at him anxiously. He leaned over and wiped Hux’s face gently with the rag, then dried it with the other side. Hux’s eyes were bleary, exhausted, and his eyelids started to droop.

“Not yet, not yet. Here, drink a little of this and then you can go to sleep.”

He picked up the glass from the bedside table and handed to him. Hux nodded slightly, sitting up and taking it from him. He held it in both hands and took small sips, staring at the wall in front of him. He drained about half the glass before he was satisfied.

“I want to go to sleep now.” he said simply, still staring at the wall.

“Ok. That’s ok.” Kylo nodded.

Kylo took the glass from Hux’s hand and placed it on the bedside table. Hux laid back down, adjusting under the covers.

Kylo stroked his hair and pulled the blankets up a bit further. Hux blinked suddenly and a small bit of recognition and concern filled his eyes.  “Don’t I- I need to be somewhere soon… the bridge?”

Kylo bit his lip, concerned, but the words came before he could stop them.

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be okay.”

Hux accepted this and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep almost immediately. _Oh well._ Hux may be angry when he woke up, but he was in no state to go back to work so soon. Kylo knew he barely got any rest as it was. It would be good for him.

He placed a kiss on Hux’s forehead, lingering for a moment. He forced himself to walk away, finally, turning out the lights as he left.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this feels late, I apologize. :( I actually ended up re-writing almost all of this chapter so that's also why it took a little longer.
> 
> please let me know what you think! your comments mean the world to me.
> 
> [update: gorgeous fanart for this chapter by queenstardust on tumblr <3]


	3. Paranoia and Cruelty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a really hard time with this chapter but I hope you enjoy it. I apologize for the wait.

Kylo closed the bedroom door gently, stepping into the quiet living area.

The chair was still pushed to the wall by the door Hux had attempted to barricade. Kylo picked up the chair and carried it back to the small dining table by the kitchenette.

He looked around, observing the scene that Hux had left. The pantry door was ajar, and several food items had been placed on the counter. There was a half-empty glass of blue milk by the sink, and a small puddle underneath, as if it had spilled while Hux was trying to pour it. Candy and food wrappers were littered where he had been sitting near the couch.

Kylo poured out the glass of milk into the sink and began to absentmindedly put things away, trying to make sense of the scene. He could have called a cleaning droid, but he wanted to stay in his quarters and needed to keep his hands busy. He worked slowly, unable to focus.

He was anxious to speak to Hux as soon as he was up again and back in his right mind, and didn't want to be stuck in another part of the ship when he sensed him waking up. _“Leaving him alone after that probably isn’t the best idea, either.”_ , he thought, throwing the last few wrappers in the disposal and staring at it glumly.

On a normal day, Kylo would be training, meditating, analyzing attack plans, sparring with his knights, or commanding the bridge with Hux. He hated being cooped up, but but he’d have to entertain himself in here for a while.

Training would make too much noise, and he was too anxious to meditate. He picked up his datapad off the kitchen table and flipped through it, reading through the recent reports. It was an uneventful day on the Finalizer, the most exciting thing on the agenda being the coordination of some new supply runs, resources for Starkiller Base.

They were still attempting to remain out of the public eye of the galaxy, which meant little to no excitement, usually. Kylo usually resented it. But it meant Hux wasn’t needed on command at the moment, which was a good thing.

The hours dragged on and Kylo tried to distract himself, doing everything from half-hearted yoga to flipping through banal entertainment articles on the holonet. He didn’t want to overthink what had just happened before he could speak to Hux in the right frame of mind, but it was impossible. The paranoia crept in, eventually, inevitably, the trite articles unable to keep his mind from wandering. Kylo scrolled through them anyway, mindlessly.

"10 Things You Didn’t Know about Ewoks."

_What happened to him?_

_Did someone hurt him?_

"Blue Milk: The Hottest New Health Trend"

_His mind was clearly altered in the force, he was so different... it seemed impossible for him to reach that state without outside influence. Did Snoke punish him? Because of our relationship? He hadn’t brought it up before. Why did Hux push me away?_

"Code Slicers Hate Him! Man From Dayark Discovers an Incredible New Way to-"

Kylo shoved the datapad away from him, putting his head in his hands.

_Does he trust me? Will he come back? What if he doesn’t come back?_

_…_

_Will he be okay?_

The door to the bedroom closed loudly, startling Kylo from his thoughts. Hux was standing in the doorway, a confused and tired expression on his face.

“Hux!” Kylo yelled and stood up immediately. After being left alone with his thoughts for so long, just seeing his face was a relief.

Hux rubbed his eyes and looked at him, confused. “Kylo. What time is it?”

Kylo walked over to Hux quickly, putting a hand on Hux’s arm. “I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. How do you feel? Are you alright?”

“Well - I suppose so, I don’t remember what… the time, I need to know the-”

Hux stiffened, suddenly, the edge returning to his voice

“What shift is it?”

“I told you not to worry about-”

Hux shoved past him to look at the chronometer mounted on the wall. Kylo sighed and turned towards him.

"Kylo --  fuck, I was supposed to be on the bridge an hour ago! Why was I- why didn’t you wake me up?!”

“You needed rest. I’m sure they’ve been able to manage without you for a few hours.”

Hux cursed loudly and ran past Kylo back to the bedroom, throwing on his uniform as quickly as he could. Kylo stood in the doorway, trying to figure out what to say.

“Hux, wait. We need to talk.”

Hux pulled his boot on and met Kylo face to face in the doorway. Kylo was blocking him from leaving.

“Get out of my way!”

"You don’t need to be on the bridge right now-”

“That’s not for you to decide.” Hux shoved past him and this time Kylo relented, letting him thru. Kylo didn’t turn around, but heard the beep of the control panel and the hydraulics of the door opening and closing as Hux made a swift, angry exit.

Kylo glared at the door as it slid shut but made no further move after him. There was no arguing with him after he had made up his mind.

* * *

Hux was infuriated. How - how _dare_ he. Hux’s job was to ensure the proper order of the Finalizer, to prevent Hux from working was to prevent the operation of the First Order itself, it was practically treason for Kylo to… by letting him - by… what did Kylo do?

Hux stuttered in his tracks, confused. Then started again, he was already late and didn’t have time to waste by making important revelations in the middle of the hallway.

_I woke up. Why was I asleep in the first place? Kylo- put me to bed… before that I was… He was in the living room, talking to me? Did he tamper with my memories?_

The memory felt just out of reach, like a word on the tip of his tongue. He’d have to think about it later, when he was done with his shift. After all, this could even be Kylo’s intention, to confuse and disorient him this way. Hux couldn’t let him get the upper hand.

There was a buzz from his datapad. He grabbed ir from his pocket and tapped the notification alert without slowing down.

> _General Hux,_
> 
> _It has come to my attention that your pre-mission vaccination appointment this morning for was cut short before the vaccine could be administered. The Nebellia vaccination is still required for all personnel leaving on non-quarantined planetside missions._
> 
> _Please reschedule at your earliest convenience, and feel free to inform us of any accommodations you may require._
> 
> _\- Dr. Lesath_
> 
> _Chief Medical Officer_

Hux tightened his grip on the datapad, and resisted the urge to throw the device against the wall.

* * *

Kylo went throughout the rest of his day, trying not to think about Hux. It was hard to focus on anything else. He desperately wanted to speak to him, but short of physically dragging him off the bridge, that wasn't going to happen. He was still far too agitated to meditate, and being on the bridge would lead to another confrontation with Hux, which definitely did not need to happen in public.

He poured himself into his training, instead, furiously cutting down the holographic enemies and hoped to exhaust himself to the point where he wouldn’t even have the energy to think. Hours and hundreds of simulated enemies later, he had succeeded, and trudged his way back to his shared quarters panting and drenched in sweat.

The quarters were technically Hux's - Kylo had his own, but informally had moved in with Hux after spending so many of their nights together. Kylo's personal quarters were little more than glorified storage space, now, but he was okay with that.

He punched in the access code and the doors slid open with a hiss. He glanced at the chronometer as he stepped inside. It was fairly late, the beginning of what was typically considered "nighttime" aboard the vessel. Hux wouldn't be back yet, his typical shift ran later into the evening.

Kylo resisted the urge to collapse onto the bed and walked straight to the shower instead. He would hopefully have enough time to clean up and eat by the time Hux returned, and then they could discuss… whatever it was that happened earlier.

He knew Hux was going to be angry at him for letting him sleep in. But it wasn’t as if anyone else was could chastise Hux except for himself, his only superior was the Supreme Leader, and Hux had the authority to choose his own working hours. Hux never took time off, an hour missed would hardly hurt him.

Kylo finally thought back to their previous encounter as he turned on the water, even the exhaustion not enough to prevent his mind from wandering. He had dealt with panic attacks before, both his own as well Hux’s, but he had never seen Hux… _this_ way until this morning. The apprehensive and withdrawn behavior accompanied with the bizarre childlike mannerisms. Finding him tearing into sweets he claimed to dislike, and the breakdown that had ensued when Kylo tried to speak to him.

Kylo had hardly ever seen Hux cry, either. Definitely had never seen him _wail_ like he had. It was the complete opposite of his normal self.

There was a clear difference in Hux’s mind when Kylo had felt for him through the force. Hux had essentially regressed himself into a young child, Kylo suspected because the “adult” Hux didn’t know how to handle… whatever had happened to him. He had mentioned the medical bay, but Kylo hadn’t pried beyond that at the time.

Kylo turned the water off and sighed. He would have to wait and speak to Hux when he was there, in front of him.

He was getting dressed when he heard the beep of the access panel and the hiss of the durasteel doors sliding open. He threw on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt as quickly as he could and walked out of the bedroom to meet Hux in the living room.

Hux stood motionless a few steps in front of the entrance, staring silently at Kylo. Kylo opened his mouth as if to say something, but the words wouldn't come. There was an awkward tension in the air, and Kylo could sense the anger on the surface of Hux’s mind.

“Uh. Hi.” he tried, after several tense moments of silence, staring at each other. Hux didn’t respond for a moment.

“You need to leave.”

“ _Excuse me_?”

“I know what you’re up to, now, Kylo, and you’re not going to fool me any longer. Get out.”  
  
_Well. This wasn’t was he was expecting._

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Hux.”

“Don’t play dumb!” Hux yelled, looking as if he was about to spontaneously combust from anger.

Kylo stared at him incredulously.

"Is this about earlier today?” Kylo asked. He knew Hux was going to be angry about sleeping in, but this was entirely unexpected.

“Of course it is!” Hux yelled. “You want me at a disadvantage so you can exploit me! That's what this is about, isn’t it? You thought this- this “a _rrangement”_ would help you find a weakness so you can one-up me in front of the Supreme Leader, and I’m not _letting it happen_.” Hux walked towards him, angrily. “I'm not stupid, Ren-”

“That's ridiculous, Hux. Slow down-”

Hux ignored him. “You were manipulating me with the force! I know you were- I would have never…” Hux swallowed painfully. “I've seen you do it to prisoners, before, countless times! Did you think I wouldn't notice?”

“No, because I _didn’t do shit_ to you. What happened this morning?”

“ _What?_ ”  
  
“Why were you upset? Why were you crying on the fucking floor when I found you this morning?”

Hux broke eye contact and looked around the room, subconsciously wishing for an escape. “That’s none of your concern. Unless you were behind that too, weren’t you?”  
  
“I think it is my concern, considering what you’re accusing me of."

“ _Don’t_ -”

Kylo stepped closer, his gaze unbreaking.

“The medbay. What happened in the medbay?”  
  
“I told you, it’s _none of your concern!_  Get out of my quarters!”

A surge of anger burst through Kylo, and he raised his hand next to Hux’s temple, threateningly. “You’re so afraid of me using the force on you? You can tell me, or I can go in there and take it myself.”

A part of him felt guilty soon as the words left his mouth, almost automatically.

Hux didn’t answer for several moments, trembling and continuing to avoid eye contact with Kylo and breathing shaky breaths. The silence stretched on, the threat hanging in the air. Kylo almost wanted to apologize, but...

“You really didn’t- you didn’t use the force on me at all?” Hux spoke quietly, finally.

“No.” Kylo replied, just as softly.

“Then what-” Tears pricked at the corner of Hux’s eyes and he wiped them away furiously. “What _happened?”_

“That’s what I’m asking you! I sensed your distress through the force this morning and found you here.”

“I know-! I remember that, but afterwards, after you fell asleep and I- I-”

“The only way I’ll be able to help is if you tell me what happened.”

Hux’s eyes narrowed angrily and he seemed to come back to himself, suddenly. “I don’t _need_ your help!” He objected and shoved him away, roughly. “When have I ever needed your help!?”

Hux turned around and continued ranting before Kylo could respond.

“This has gone on far too long as it is! This- arrangement was never meant to be anything more than a stress relief, a convenience, and you ruined it, like you ruined everything.”

Kylo wanted to laugh, bitterly.

“Oh. I get it now. You’re afraid of feeling something, aren’t you? Is that why this is bothering you so much?” Kylo taunted. “Afraid of your own emotions?”  
  
“Leave me alone, Kylo. Just go.” Hux responded, and turned around to shove past Kylo into the bedroom.

“No, I don’t think so.” Kylo followed him into the other room and continued.

“It’s how all you stuck up... Empire-era types are, aren’t you? Nothing matters except for work, even at the expense of your own well-being? Or was it something else, did Daddy not give you enough attention as a boy?”

The anger and frustration consumed Kylo, and he wanted to make him hurt, now, all thoughts of comfort lost.

Hux let out horrible bark of laughter, turning around abruptly to look at Kylo. “At least _my_ father was a respectable man! A commandant, who taught me how to properly _behave_ myself! It must be such a concept to _you_ , you filthy, rabid, republic-bred son of smuggler _scum-”_

Hux’s body flew across the room by the force and hit the wall with a sick _thud_. Kylo’s anger dissipated almost instantaneously as cold horror filled him.

Hux crumpled onto the floor, his head in his hands. The room was silent. Kylo could practically hear his own heart pounding.

“...Hux?”

Hux shrunk back into himself, trying to appear as small as possible.

Concern won out over everything else.

“Fuck. Fuck. Hux. I’m so sorry, I’m- fuck, are you alright?” Kylo rushed over to his side and knelt down.

Hux let out a terrified, angry wail, and kicked at Kylo, whose anxiety increased about tenfold in that moment. He felt scared, horrible for what he had said, what he had just _done_.

“No- Hux- Armitage? I’m sorry, I need you to speak to me. Stop!” He grabbed Hux’s legs in frustration, holding them still.

_He couldn't deal with him like this, not right now._

The restraint panicked Hux, and he screamed loudly. Kylo let go of his legs immediately, backing away.

Hux stood up shakily and shoved Kylo towards the door.

“OUT! **_OUT!_ ** _”_

“Hux- just speak to me, please-”

“OUT OUT OUT OUT _OUTOUTOUTOUTOUT!!!”_

He pushed Kylo harder, who reluctantly let himself be moved towards the door.

If his presence was going to cause Hux further distress then there was nothing he could do right now but leave. Hux’s hand slammed on the access panel before Kylo’s could, and he stepped outside, taking one last glance at Hux’s face, red and wet with tears. He wanted to say something, desperately, wanted to make this right,  _can't leave yet need to make it right need to talk need him-_

The durasteel slammed shut before him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like I said, this chapter was really difficult to write and I apologize it took so long. :( also not very happy but... it will get better. eventually.
> 
> thank you again for reading, and please let me know what you think!


	4. Revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm alive! I apologize for the wait, finals kicked my ass and I've been super busy since then, but I'm back on schedule and already written most of chapter 5 as well. 
> 
> (Also, I want to apologize if you've left a comment and I haven't responded. Sometimes I don't know what to say and I end up putting it off, but I appreciate them all so much. I will try to be better about this!)
> 
> thanks to thethirstorder on tumblr for being a fantastic beta reader, and I hope you all enjoy!

Kylo stared at the door for several moments after it closed in front of him, feeling numb. He felt Hux through the Force attempting to regain his composure. He was distressed, but didn’t seem to be in any immediate danger.

Kylo pulled back from the Force, trying to process what had just happened. He felt awful for what he had done. His guilt filled him like a leaden physical weight and he was unable to move, even as he willed himself to. Hux didn’t want to see him right now, and Kylo didn’t deserve to, but he longed to apologize, to talk, to make it right again.

It was several minutes before he stepped away from the door, shaking.

His mask was inside, with Hux, as well as most of his personal effects. It was getting late, however, and this couldn’t be resolved tonight. He’d have to spend the night in his old quarters.

It wasn’t far, but he took several detours, trying to avoid anyone he sensed through the Force, mostly Stormtroopers making their nightly patrols.

He barely felt anything as he walked back, opened the door to his old quarters, and went thru the motions of getting ready for bed. He dragged himself under the rarely-used covers of his old bed and stared at the wall for hours, unable to sleep.

* * *

Kylo woke in the morning to the sharp, ringing tone of his commlink and groaned. It turned out he had managed to get a few hours of fitful sleep, but he didn’t feel rested at all.

He glared at the commlink. Very few people knew his number, and those who did knew not to contact him with trivial matters. So whatever the message it was, it had to be important.

He reached across the bedside table and checked it. It was Snoke, requesting his presence immediately in the audience chamber. He rubbed his eyes and put the commlink back down, still trying to wake up. Where was Hux? Why was he in his old— oh.

The events of the previous day hit him, suddenly, with a pain in his chest. The heaviness of his guilt filled him again as he slumped down, feeling much less motivated to get up.

  
There would be hell to pay if he missed a meeting with the Supreme Leader because he wanted to stay in bed, however. He forced himself to move, got out of bed reluctantly and threw on his robes as quickly as possible.

He felt self-conscious making his way to the audience chamber without the comforting barrier his mask usually provided him. It wasn’t unheard of for him to be without it, but it was a rare occurrence.

Thankfully, the Stormtroopers were afraid of him — with or without the mask. A simple glare was enough to keep any in the halls moving, not foolish enough to stop and stare. Kylo snorted as one nearly tripped over their feet in their haste to move past him.

The doors to the audience chamber opened automatically and he stepped inside. The large hologram of Snoke was already present, speaking in a low voice to Hux, who was in perfect posture, not a hair out of place. Kylo’s stomach flipped nervously. He wasn’t aware Hux would also be there.

A hysterical, paranoid part of him wondered if this was about the two of them, about their relationship, if Snoke was finally putting his foot down on their fraternization. But Snoke wouldn’t call them here just for that, it had to be something else…

He walked to the platform, swallowing his anxiety. Kylo glanced at Hux briefly, trying to detect any reaction or feelings regarding his appearance. Hux was standing with perfect posture, not a hair out of place. Kylo couldn’t glean anything, Hux appeared to be determinedly focused on his discussion with Snoke.

Snoke’s eyes fell on Kylo, finally.  
  
“Kylo Ren.”

“Master. I apologize for the delay.”

Snoke waved his hand dismissively.

“It is of no concern. We have much to speak about.”  
  
The meeting proceeded fairly normally; they had not been called there for personal reasons after all. If Snoke noticed anything off about either of them, he didn’t comment. Hux was all business, no trace of the panicked and childlike state Kylo had seen the day before.

“Hux. You will travel to Akuria soon for diplomatic negotiation with the planet’s government,” Snoke said.  
  
“Yes, Supreme Leader. It should be simple. The locals appear to be eager to trade their resources for protection, it should be a matter of smoothing over the details and—”  
  
“Silence.”

Hux closed his mouth, grimacing.

“Something troubles you about this mission.” Snoke continued.  
  
The change in Hux’s expression was minute, almost unnoticeable. He looked like he had swallowed something unpleasant.

“If you have concerns, speak them. Otherwise, I expect this assignment to be completed without issue.”

That appeared to be the end of it. Hux’s posture relaxed the slightest bit in relief.  
  
“Understood, Supreme Leader.”  
  
Snoke regarded him suspiciously for a few more moments, then turned his gaze to Kylo.

“Kylo Ren. You will accompany General Hux on his mission to Akuria.”

Neither of them could hide their shock at this. It was unusual for the general himself to be troubled with diplomatic affairs in person, for both commanders to travel to the planet together…

Snoke had obviously sensed their surprise. He continued speaking to Kylo.

“I will elaborate later on your duties. Do not question me. I have my reasons for sending both of you.”  
  
“I understand, Supreme Leader,” Kylo replied.  
  
“See that you do.” Snoke turned to Hux again. “Forward the mission briefing to Kylo Ren, so that he has a chance to review it.”

“It will be done, Supreme Leader.”

“I expect great results from both of you. Do not fail me,” Snoke said ominously, the massive hologram dissolving from view.

Kylo and Hux hesitated for a moment and then walked out of the audience chamber wordlessly. It was too awkward to speak in here, it was as if Snoke was still present, listening.

The moment they were in the hallway, Kylo turned to Hux open-mouthed, but no words came out. He had no idea what to say. Hux kept walking, coldly.

“Hux! Wait—”

Hux stopped, his back still facing Kylo.

_“What._

“I…” Kylo swallowed. “I wanted to apologize. For last night. I’m so sorry.”  
  
Hux crossed his arms and looked down at the floor, angrily. Several tense moments passed.

“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” Hux said, still focused on the floor.

Kylo wasn’t sure what to say. Hux kept speaking after a moment.

“My behavior yesterday was irresponsible, childish. It’s clear this… relationship has gone too far, I do not wish to be an interference to your work, for you to attempt to take care of me.”

Another pause.

“Perhaps it would be for the best to return to a strictly professional relationship, to avoid incidents like this in the future.” Hux began to walk away.  
  
Kylo grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks.

“You think I ought to leave you because you had a bad day? Is that what you really want?” Kylo asked.

Hux didn’t answer.

“Even if I wanted to— and I know it’s not what you want either, Hux, don’t lie-” Kylo’s voice dropped, quieter, almost ashamed. “We’re in too deep already. We both know that.”  
  
Hux remained silent and staring at the floor, expression sad and somewhat guilty.

“I’m sorry too, then,” Hux said, finally.  
  
Kylo let out a small sigh of relief and let go of his arm.

“Are you okay, from last night? Are you hurt at all?” He asked, quietly.  
  
“No. I’m fine.”

Kylo looked at him suspiciously.

“I uh, threw you pretty hard.” He scratched the back of his neck, nervously. “Are you sure?”

Hux sighed. “My back hurts a bit. It’s nothing big.”  
  
“You should go to the medbay.”  
  
“Absolutely not,” Hux replied, far too quickly.

There was an awkward silence for a few moments. Kylo decided not to press it.

“At the very least, we need to talk about this more. Could I come to your quarters after your shift?” Kylo asked, finally, eyes wide.

“I- well…” Hux started, his pride not wanting to give in so easy, but it was a useless battle, especially when Ren looked at him like a kicked puppy.

Hux sighed in resignation. “Alright. After my shift. Your helmet is still in there, you ought to go pick it up at least.” There was the ghost of a smile on his lips.  
  
Kylo smiled.

“Of course. I’ll see you then?”

“Yes, goodbye.”

Neither moved away. Hux was slightly flushed, and looked like he wanted to say something.

“Is there something else?” Kylo asked, sensing his hesitation.

“Could you hug me?” Hux murmured, not looking at him.

Kylo grinned, and wrapped his arms around him immediately, holding him tight.

Hux pressed his face into Kylos shoulder and sighed.

“You’ve ruined me, you know that?” he muttered.  
  
Kylo smiled again.

“I know.”

* * *

After retrieving his helmet from Hux’s quarters, he busied himself the rest of the day reviewing the report Hux had sent him. It was simple enough on the surface, Akuria was rich in resources important to the construction of Starkiller. It would be a simple matter of negotiating with the planet’s leaders to assist them in exchange for protection.

Snoke wished to send both of them, which was strange, to say the least. Especially since Kylo was hardly involved with Starkiller’s construction, with his work focused elsewhere:  training with the Force, searching for clues to  the whereabouts of Luke Skywalker, and eliminating the last traces of the Jedi. Could Akuria have a history relating to the Force? Is that why Snoke was sending him?

Kylo finished the briefing, which was short and not very illuminating, and began to research the planet in the First Order archives. He found nothing about Jedi or other Force-users on Akuria. For all intents and purposes, it appeared to be an utterly unremarkable planet. He even meditated on the issue but came up empty, frustrated. Perhaps it would become clear when he visited the planet.

The rest of the day was uneventful for both Kylo and Hux. Kylo continued to research Akuria and Hux oversaw bridge command, reviewed reports and sat through holocall meetings to touch base with the officers on Starkiller, as usual.

It was near the end of the day when Kylo got up and stretched, finally deciding to grab something to eat. His stomach growled in agreement. He would go to the cafeteria and bring something back to their quarters as usual, and maybe Hux would be back in time to eat with him.

Several minutes later, Kylo returned, a stack of to-go boxes in his hands. He set them down on the small table and walked into the bedroom to change out of his robes.

The bedroom door was open and the light on. Kylo peeked around and found the closet door open, which he investigated.

“Hux!”

Hux was kneeling on the floor, neatly folded clothes surrounding him. He seemed anxious.

“Kylo.”

“You’re back early. It’s good to see you.” He walked over to where Hux was kneeling. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to reorganize the closet,” Hux replied, staring unhappily at the neat little piles spread out before him.  
  
“I thought you did that last week?” Kylo asked.  
  
“I did, but I don’t like it. I’m redoing it.”

Hux avoided eye contact and busied himself with the piles, resorting them for what Kylo suspected must have been the hundredth time.

“Do you think you could finish this later?” Kylo asked, feeling awkward. “I’ve brought some dinner, we really ought to talk.”  
  
“Talk about what? There’s nothing to talk about.” Hux wasn’t looking at him.

  
Frustration surged through Kylo and he had to brief urge to punch the closet wall. He took a deep breath, calming himself, trying to keep his temper.

“You know what I’m talking about, Hux. Ignoring it is just going to make it worse.”  
  
“I’m busy,” Hux said.

“You’re avoiding the issue.”  
  
Hux continued sorting his piles.

“Did you at least go to the medbay for your back?” Kylo asked, annoyed.

Hux was silent.

“Hux.”

“I’m _BUSY."_

Kylo bent down and grabbed Hux by the arm, lifting him up. Hux yelped.

“Let go of me!”

“You’re going to sit down, and we’re going to talk about this, now. You can fold your stupid clothes later.”

Hux wrenched his arm away.

“You’re not going to command me to do anything. Give me five minutes to get the clothes off the floor and I’ll talk to you about whatever the hell you want.”

Kylo crossed his arms. “Fine.”

He walked out of the closet and back into the bedroom and stood near the edge of the bed. He wondered idly if Hux’s determination to finish his task was legitimate, or if he simply wanted to go about this discussion his own way, which meant refusing to go along with Kylo’s initial demand. Organizing and reorganizing was a tell-tale sign of stress with Hux, although it only ever seemed to frustrate him further instead of calming him.

Kylo supposed it didn’t matter, at the moment. If he was able to finish, at least Hux couldn’t use it as an excuse to storm off in the middle of their discussion.

Hux finished fairly quickly and walked out towards the bedroom. He sat down on the edge of the bed near Kylo, arms crossed, glaring at him.

“Fine. What do you want to know?”

“What happened in the medbay yesterday? Why have you been acting so odd the past two days?” Kylo asked, uncrossing his arms.

Hux sighed.

“Since you seem determined to know the reason… I haven’t been to the medbay for anything since my physical examination upon my arrival on this ship, several years ago. However, I was _informed_ … several days ago that I would not be able to go planetside for my upcoming mission without a vaccine, which they refused to waive.”  
  
Kylo sat down next to Hux, gently, his frustration starting to calm. Hux turned away from Kylo, too ashamed to look at him.

“I have an… aversion, I suppose you would call it a phobia, of doctors, ridiculous as it sounds.”  
  
“It’s not ridiculous.” Kylo said, softly. When Hux didn’t continue, Kylo spoke again.

“Was it because of something that happened, or has it always been this way?”

“A bit of both?” Hux’s voice was higher, less certain.

“I was a somewhat sickly child… I had to see doctors and med-droids quite a bit, I always hated it, I was terrified. My father had no sympathy, said it was a weakness, a failure, hoped I would grow out of it eventually. He figured—”

Hux swallowed.

“He told… the doctors, to not be sympathetic towards me, to use whatever force was needed, so I would grow a thicker skin. It’s not that the procedures were overly painful or intensive, but I was already terrified and the med staff were…” Hux made a vague hand gesture, words failing him.

“There was one time in particular, they had to give me an injection but I was terrified, they had to hold me down and I…”

He was trembling badly, now.

“It felt like they used my father’s instruction to be overly invasive, t-to...” He wiped at his face angrily, tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes. “Especially the ones at the academy. They knew if I complained it wouldn’t be taken seriously, so they took advantage of that. My father would punish me afterwards, for crying, for being a coward.”

Kylo put his hand on Hux’s thigh in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. Hux didn’t complain, but he still refused to look at him, ashamed. They sat in silence for several minutes.

Kylo finally spoke, his voice low. “What happened yesterday, then?”

Hux shoved his hand off, angrily.

“What the hell do you think happened?!” he yelled. “I went, they gave me a physical, it was humiliating— I almost made it through, but he brought out the needle and…. I wasn’t ready, he grabbed my arm and everything from there on out is a blur.”

“I may have kicked him, I know I ran out after that. And then you came and… you know the rest.”

Hux put his head in his hands.

“I… It felt like I was six, again, and back on Arkanis… I don’t know why, I know it’s not the same but—”

“When I found you, you felt…” Kylo bit him lip, trying to find the right words. “It felt like your mind had regressed, somehow, back to that state. As a defense mechanism.”  
  
“Yes. I don’t… I don’t know why I… you fell asleep and I remember being hungry, I was scared father would find me, would punish me. I was vaguely aware of what was going on, but at the same time…” He trailed off.

“I don’t understand it.” he ended, simply.

“It’s okay.” said Kylo, softly. “They didn’t actually give you the vaccination, though? Will you still have to go down there and get it done?”

“Yes. They sent another message to my datapad, last night, but I haven’t scheduled anything. I don’t know what’ll happen, I feel like throwing up every time I think of it.”  
  
“I could schedule it for you. We’ll go together when it’s time.” Kylo offered.  
  
“I don’t need you holding my hand, I’m perfectly capable of—”

“You just said the mere thought of it makes you nauseous.” Kylo interrupted. “This mission and your health are vital to the operation of the First Order. Let me help you, Hux.”  
  
Hux took a deep breath and was silent for a few moments, head still in his hands. His voice cracked, suddenly, as he spoke.

“What will my men think of me when they find out I can’t even get a shot without you holding my hand?”

He started to sob, then, all pretenses of composure gone. Kylo wrapped an arm around him.

“No one has to know.” he said, quietly. “I’ll talk to the lead medic, I’ll arrange so we come in after-hours, no one else will be there.”  
  
Hux nodded, still choking on his sobs. “Okay. Okay. We’ll do that.” He sniffled again and tried to rub his eyes. Kylo summoned a box of tissues from the bedside table with the Force and handed it to him. Hux rolled his eyes, but he appreciated the gesture.

Kylo still had a lot of questions, but he thought it best to leave them for now. “It’ll be okay, I promise. I’ll be there, I won’t let anything happen to you.”

Had Hux not been in the state he was, he would have rolled his eyes again, but he just sniffled and nodded again, shifting closer to him and his arms. A cuddly Hux was a rare indulgence, and Kylo was happy to oblige him.

They sat there for a few minutes, and Kylo suddenly remembered the food he had brought with him.

“Did you eat today?”  
  
“A little bit,” Hux muttered. “Had a protein bar for lunch.”  
  
“I brought back some food. Let’s have dinner and then go to bed and we can forget about all of this for a while.”  
  
Hux nodded, reluctantly disentangling himself from Kylo’s arms and grabbing the tissue box once more.

They ate together and the mood gradually returned to normal, they spoke no more of the medbay but talked of Snoke’s odd orders and their upcoming mission together, the idiots Hux dealt with in High Command and the lieutenant that got caught viewing illicit images on a bridge terminal.

“I mean…” Hux stabbed his salad violently and took a bite. “To be perfectly honest, I’m not entirely sure how he got a holonet connection on that terminal in the first place. It’s not supposed to be hooked up to any browser programs. Meaning he had to hack it, so I have to admire his dedication, if nothing else.”

Kylo laughed, relieved that they were still able to talk like this, that their relationship was still intact, that the past two days hadn’t shaken them to a point where they couldn’t recover.

Hux took another bite. “He’ll still demoted and severely punished, of course. What an embarrassment.”

They spent the rest of the evening like this, talking about this and that and getting ready for bed together. They drifted off to sleep finally, exhausted but relieved to have each other, to spend the night in the same bed again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, the next chapter will be relatively short, but on the bright side I already have most of it written so it should be up next week.
> 
> please let me know what you think! feel free to talk to me on tumblr as well, I'm r2q5.
> 
> thanks for reading!


	5. Whoever’s In Charge Here

Kylo woke around mid-morning, yawning and stretching out in bed. He relaxed and rolled over lazily, enjoying the fact that he had woken up on his own time, rather than being startled awake by his commlink.

There was an empty space beside him, but the light in the other room was on, indicating Hux was up and about. He stayed in bed for a few more minutes then rolled out to investigate, yawning as he walked out of the bedroom.

Hux was indeed in the living room, sitting cross-legged on the couch and working on a datapad. Kylo walked over and ruffled his hair. Hux huffed.

“You’re finally up?” Hux asked, teasingly.

Kylo smacked him lightly on the head in response and walked over to the small pantry to find something to eat.

One of the drawbacks of living on a star destroyer was the lack of variety in meals. Dining options were normally limited to whatever was being served in the mess hall, supplemented by basic staples rationed out to the officers.

Because of this, Kylo made it a point to smuggle as much junk food on board as possible whenever he visited a civilized planet. It was more the premise of the thing, being able to control his own diet, allowing himself to indulge in one area of his life.

His stash was a bit low at the moment, having taken a hit a few days ago from Hux’s strange episode. He grabbed for a box of sugary pastries near the back of the pantry and frowned, remembering the incident. It reminded him again of the conversation they had last night, and what needed to be done today. He closed the cabinet door and unwrapped his pastry as he walked towards the couch.

Hux glanced at him, eyeing the pastry in his hands. He made a face.

“Don’t bring that over here. You’ll get crumbs everywhere.”

Kylo broke off half the pastry and shoved it in his mouth, flopping down on the couch. “We have droids for that,” he said through the food in his mouth. Hux grimaced.

“That’s disgusting, Kylo.”

Kylo grinned and swallowed.

“Do you want some?” he asked, almost jokingly, holding out the uneaten half in his hand.

Hux paused for a moment, a strange look on his face. Kylo almost began to worry he had done something wrong, but Hux reached over cautiously, broke off a small bit of the pastry and chewed it silently. His eyes remained fixed on the datapad.

Kylo wasn’t sure how to respond, so he shoved the rest of the pastry in his mouth instead.

Hux reached over for a tissue from the side table, wiped off his fingers and resumed typing.

“So.” Kylo started, after he had swallowed the rest of his breakfast. “What are you planning on doing today?”

Hux shrugged. “I have a meeting soon, but I might come back here afterwards. There’s not a lot on the bridge to be done today, unless there’s an emergency.”  
  
Staying in his quarters didn’t mean a day off for Hux, as most of his duties could be completed remotely, but it will still a surprising occurrence.

"Well.” Kylo wiped his hands on his sleep pants, think of the best way to bring up last night’s discussion. “I think I’m going to go down to the medbay today and try and get that appointment set up.”

Hux visibly stiffened.

“Alright.”  
  
“I’ll uh, need a copy of your schedule, if you could send me that. So I know when you’re free.” Kylo held his breath anxiously.

“Yes. Okay. I’ll send it to your datapad.”

Kylo nodded. Hux quickly changed the subject.

“Now go take a shower. You stink.”  
  
Kylo snorted and got up, ruffling Hux’s hair again as he left. Hux yelped in disapproval.

* * *

Hux was gone by the time Kylo stepped out of the fresher. He sighed, finding it hard to summon the motivation to get ready for the day.

Kylo dreaded speaking to the medbay officers. He had no idea how he would even begin to broach the topic- Talking was never his strong suit, and how could he get someone else to understand what Hux was going through, or how to help him?

He took as long as he could getting dressed, eating, and taking care of every other responsibility he could, but he knew it would have to be scheduled tonight if Hux was going to get vaccinated before his mission. He felt guilty for his apprehension, knowing it couldn’t possibly be comparable to what Hux felt.

It was well into the afternoon before Kylo finally ran out of excuses to put off the visit.

He entered the medical wing, finally, feeling extremely out of place. There was a single receptionist seated at what Kylo assumed was the the check-in desk, who looked up nervously at him as he entered.

He walked up to the desk and stopped, wondering what to say. The nurse looked up at him anxiously. She was a small woman with round cheeks, light blonde hair pulled back into a tight ponytail.

“May I- May I help you, Lord Ren?

Kylo coughed.

“Yes. I need to. Um. I need to speak to… whoever’s in charge. Here.” Kylo waved his hand vaguely.

“The lead medical officer?”  
  
“Yes.”

“That would be Doctor Lesath.” The nurse rose from her seat. “I’m not sure if she’s in her office at the moment, but I could take you there to wait while I track her down?”  
  
“That would be good.”

The nurse stepped out from behind the desk and began to walk down the hallway next to it. Kylo was lead to a nondescript door at the end of it. The nurse knocked, and at no response typed in a code quickly and opened the door to the empty office.

“She’ll be with you in a moment, sir. Have a seat.”

Kylo sat down, feeling rather awkward. This was far beyond his area of expertise, he wasn't sure what exactly he should say. His relationship with Hux wasn’t exactly hidden, but any displays of affection were done behind closed doors. No one knew how much he truly cared for him. A few minutes passed, leaving him alone to stew in his thoughts.

The door opened suddenly, startling him. He straightened up in his seat.

“Lord Ren?”

“Oh. Yes- Dr. Lesath?”

“Yes.”

The woman was tall, with a dark complexion and black curly hair pulled up into a bun. Kylo was struck with recognition, but he couldn't place where he had seen her before.

Lesath walked around to behind the desk and sat down.

“Could you do me the favor of removing your helmet, Lord Ren? It will make this discussion much easier.”

Kylo was surprised by her boldness but complied, pulling off the helmet silently and putting it by his side.

"What can I do for you today, then?”

Kylo was again struck by the feeling of awkwardness. Where should he even begin?

“Well — It’s not about me, actually. It’s about my partner. General Hux.” His face flushed with the admission, but Lesath simply nodded.

“He needs to have a vaccination done, but he has a severe… phobia. I understand the last time he was here it didn’t go very well. I am here to know — if it is possible for him to come after hours to have it done, so that it may be less stressful for him. Without as many people.”

Lesath regarded him, her expression unreadable. “I’m sure we could set something up for the General. Why are you here, in his place?”

Kylo gripped the arm of the chair angrily.

“He said it made him want to _throw up_ every time he thought of it. I offered to arrange it for him so he didn't have to make it any worse for himself.”

Lesath didn't flinch.

“Completely understandable. I just need you to understand that due to confidentiality, I can’t give you any information about his medical history or previous visits here, nor can you schedule appointments for him. I could block something in and send it to him, but he'd have to confirm it.”

“Oh.” He felt stupid, suddenly. His grip relaxed.

Lesath activated her datapad and logged on, then continued.

“The medbay operates at all time for our emergency patients, but the appointment wing closes at 18:00 standard. We could have him come in at 18:30. Will you be accompanying him?”

“I — Yes.”

Lesath nodded and typed something into her data pad. Kylo couldn’t shake the odd feeling of recognition.

“Dr. Lesath, I — Have I see you somewhere before?” he asked before he could stop himself.

She nodded, not taking her eyes off the datapad. “Yes. I treated you… it must have been about a year ago. You came back from a mission badly wounded. We had to put you into bacta for a day or so after surgery.”

Kylo was floored. He remembered it immediately, his fellow knights had patched him up best he could while on the transport shuttle, but he had to be transferred to the medbay immediately upon their arrival. Kylo was in a right state of panic himself, then, about to tear the hospital room to pieces in his fear when they had called Dr. Lesath into the room. There was something about her that had calmed him a year ago, that had settled his nerves enough to finally allow the doctors to sedate him without being thrown against the wall.

His nerves calmed the slightest bit, knowing who was in charge of Hux’s care. He swallowed.

“I’d… like you to be the one to see Hux, if possible.”

“That can be arranged. I’ll have to check my schedule, though.”

She pulled up a timetable on her datapad.

“The best time for me would be tomorrow at 18:30, as we discussed. Is that acceptable?”  
  
“Yes. That sounds good. Um — thank you.”

Lesath nodded and typed a few more notes, then deactivated the datapad, sitting back in her chair and regarding Kylo.

“As I said before, I cannot release his medical information to you without his consent. But I will say...” She pursed her lips, thinking. “I suspect he has been using his command override to cancel his past appointments. I’m familiar with the incident you referred to earlier, when we first tried to administer the vaccine. This sounds like a very serious phobia. I would suggest therapy.”

Kylo almost laughed, bitterly. Hux would never agree.

Lesath continued speaking.

“Say, for instance, he falls ill, but continues to avoid the medbay. An illness that could otherwise be dealt with very easily could become life-threatening if not treated. Or if he becomes seriously injured, and we can’t calm him down quick enough to treat it.”

Kylo’s chest felt tight.

“...I see.”

“Of course, we should take this one step at a time. I’ll send a note to the General’s datapad asking him to confirm for tomorrow at 18:30, and we can discuss further treatment at a later time. Is that acceptable?”  
  
Kylo sighed, not knowing how to feel. “Yes. That sounds good.”

“I guess we’re done here, then. Is that everything?”

“Yes, that’s it. Uh — thank you.”

Lesath stood up. Ren stood up as well, following her. Lesath held out her hand and Kylo shook it.

“It’s good to see you, Lord Ren. The General is lucky to have someone as caring as you looking after him.”

Kylo’s ears burned red as he put his helmet back on, and walked back to his quarters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \\(•_•)  
> let me know what you think, please!
> 
> EDIT: The next chapter will be the last of this fic! It is by no means over, though, there will be a sequel. The theme will be a bit different than Bluebird, so I thought it would be best to split it off into a second part. 
> 
> come talk to me on Tumblr! I'm r2q5. I posted a preview for chp. 6 there, too.


	6. It’s All Over Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shoutout to thethirstorder for beta-reading and being a huge help!!

Hux was sitting at his desk- or more accurately, lying on it. His forehead pressed against the cold plasteel, arms covering his face, trying to hide from the world around him.

“Hux…” Kylo sighed.

“No.” Hux whimpered, slightly muffled.

There was a datapad on the desk in front of him displaying a short message from the lead medical officer, Dr. Lesath, asking him to confirm an appointment for 18:30.

Kylo told him this would happen, last night, that he would be required to confirm the appointment. Hux hadn’t objected at the time, but now that the message had come through, Hux was refusing to confirm it.

Kylo stepped a little closer.

“You have to do this, Hux. I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Hux sniffled loudly, but didn't move.

He looked ridiculous like this, a man in full uniform and greatcoat hunched over like a scared child. It was the first time Kylo had witnessed such an incident outside of the security of their shared quarters, and although he had been with him for years, it was still unsettling to see the normally ruthless, well-composed General break down in such a manner.

“I can't—” his voice broke on the end of the word and led into a high-pitched whine, a precursor to a sobbing fit.

Kylo walked around the desk and rested a hand on Hux's shoulder, rubbing it gently. Hux didn’t look up.

“You’re brave, Hux. I know you can do this,” Kylo said, quietly.  “Just a few minutes tonight and it'll be all over.”

Hux brought his head up, finally. His eyes were red-rimmed and swollen from crying, entire face wet from the tears that had pooled on his desk. His lip was trembling and he looked up at Kylo, pleadingly.

“Kylo…”

“Sign it, Hux.”

Hux hesitated, then pulled over the datapad, hand trembling. He put his thumb against the biometric scanner slowly, approving the appointment with his thumbprint. A soft beep confirmed that it had gone through.

Hux shoved the datapad away the moment it was sent off and began to sob again.

“Why did you do that, Kylo, why did you make me do that?!” He cried, hunching back over the desk to hide his face. “I hate you!”

Kylo’s heart stung, but he took a deep breath and tried to remind himself Hux was speaking out of fear.

“Hux. Listen to me. What do you think will happen when you try to board a ship to Akuria on Primeday without that vaccine on your record?”

Hux turned his head to look at him, trying his best to glare at Kylo with his lip quivering violently.

“They wouldn't let you on,” Kylo continued. “You told me yourself. It would be a disaster.”

“I’d make them. I'd make them...” Hux sniffled, making a motion to wipe his nose but lowering his hand last minute, not wanting to stain his coat.

Kylo undid his cowl and gently wiped Hux's face with it. Hux reluctantly allowed it, but the tears kept falling.

“You don’t have authority to overrule the medical bay. That's not your division. And what if you got sick down there? You could die, Hux, I won't let you take that risk.”

“I want to die,” Hux said miserably.

Kylo sighed. He knew the feeling, and how impossible it felt to escape.

“It’s going to be okay,” he said, softly, rubbing his shoulder again. “I promise.”

There was a long stretch of silence where neither of them moved.

“I’m scared, Kylo. I’m so scared,” Hux admitted, finally, his voice barely audible.

“I know,” Kylo replied, softly. “And that’s okay.”

The silence resumed for a few moments, then Hux took a long, shaking breath.

“I’ll… I’ll be right back,” Hux muttered, getting up to excuse himself to the small, adjacent bathroom. He pushed past Kylo gently, who didn’t try to stop him.

Kylo waited in the office patiently, listening to the water running in the other room. It was several minutes before he came back, face freshly washed but still slightly red, and hair slicked back perfectly.

Kylo hadn’t moved from where Hux had left him. Hux sighed and walked into Kylo’s arms, letting him pull him into a tight hug.

“I know it’s hard. Do you want to go back to your room for the rest of the day?” Kylo asked.

“No.” Hux replied. “I need something to do. Need to stay distracted.”

“Okay. Are you okay with me leaving, now?”

“Yes. I’ll be fine.”

Hux closed his eyes.

“...Thank you.”

“Promise me you won’t cancel that appointment?”

Hux sighed and deflated a bit.

“...I promise.”

Kylo bent slightly to kiss him on the cheek.

“I love you, Hux.”

“...I love you too, Kylo.”

* * *

Hux came back a few hours later, surprising Kylo, who had been meditating in their quarters all afternoon. The appointment was still a few hours away, looming over them like an oncoming thunderstorm, but Kylo hadn’t expected Hux to come back until he absolutely had to.

Hux sat on the couch and rubbed his temples, sighing.

“Back early?” Kylo asked, standing up and walking over from where he had been sitting on the floor.

“I haven't been able to get any work done.” Hux admitted, looking miserable.

Kylo sat next to him and put his hand over Hux’s, rubbing the knuckle of his thumb gently.

“That’s alright. You ought to eat something before we go, anyway.”

Hux grimaced.

“I’m not sure if I could stomach anything right now.”

“You should at least try.”

There was silence for a moment and Hux sighed, reaching for the datapad on the side table.

“I’ll get something delivered. Have you eaten?”

Kylo nodded.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it.”  
  
The door panel buzzed a few minutes later, and Kylo retrieved the container of food from a small parcel droid. The droid chirped happily when it’s delivery had been taken and rolled away.

Hux looked up when he saw what Kylo was holding, and went to retrieve a glass of water and silverware. Kylo set the food on the small kitchen table.

They sat at the table across from each other and Hux picked at his food despondently. Neither attempted to make conversation, too anxious for what awaited them.

An hour passed, leaving one more hour until the appointment. Hux left the rest of the food on the table, muttering something and walking towards the bedroom. He had hardly eaten anything.

Kylo decided to let him have his space for the time being. He stored the leftovers in the conservator and laid back down on the couch, sighing and closing his eyes. He reached over for his datapad and set an alarm for 45 minutes, not wanting to accidentally sleep through the next hour. He didn’t want to count on Hux having to wake him other, knowing he’d likely have to drag him there as it was.

He wasn’t able to sleep, though he wasn’t really expecting to. His stomach was too tight with apprehension, mind buzzing and terrified for what Hux might have to go through in just a few minutes.

Forty minutes later, Kylo rolled over with a sigh and disabled the alarm. Hux was presumably still in the bedroom, unless he somehow found a way to evaporate off the ship and as far away from the medbay as possible. Kylo wouldn’t put it past him.

He rolled off the couch and made his way to the bedroom. The closet door was open and Kylo stepped in, knowing what he would find.

Hux was sitting on the floor, legs crossed. He had changed out of his uniform into a long-sleeved black shirt and fatigue pants — off-duty clothes. His hair was in slight disarray. There were a few clothing items strewn around on the floor, like Hux had started to organize and gave up soon after.

He was motionless, his expression glazed over and distant, staring at nothing. He didn’t even seem to notice Kylo.

Kylo knelt down, cautiously.

“It’s time to go, Hux.”  
  
Hux’s expression hardly changed, and he didn’t move, continuing to stare into nothingness, perfectly still. His voice was soft and distant.  
  
“No.”

Kylo sighed, scratching the back of his neck. He still didn’t know how to deal with this.

“It’ll be over soon. But we have to go, Hux.”

“No. No.” Hux shook his head, eyes widening the slightest bit. “You don’t understand, I... I can’t. I can’t go back.”

“Why can’t you go back?”  
  
Hux uncrossed his legs and drew them up to his chest.

“They’ll be mad, I —I kicked him, I was — I was _difficult_.” Terrified tears started to form in the corner of his eyes.

“They’ll tie me down —They’ll tie me down, Kylo, I can’t go!”

His voice rose at the end and he finally looked at Kylo, expression terrified and pleading.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Kylo tried to keep his voice calm and comforting, reigning in as much self control as he could muster. “It’s a different doctor, now, I met her. She’s very nice, she won’t hurt you.”

“It’s always the same. They always hurt me —” Hux’s voice cracked at the end, his throat closing up.

Kylo bit his lip.

“Do you trust me? H — Armitage?”

Somehow, it felt wrong to call him by his surname, when he was like this. Hux didn’t respond.

“I won’t let them hurt you or tie you down, I promise. I won’t let anyone hurt you, and you know they can’t get past me.”

Hux sniffled, now distracting himself with a loose thread on his pants.

“Will you come with me?” Kylo continued. “We just have to do this small thing, and then it’ll be all over.”

Several moments passed, and Kylo bit his lip, anxiously. Finally Hux nodded almost imperceptibly, and Kylo sighed in relief.

“Good. C’mon, let's get up, now.” Kylo stood up and helped Hux get to his feet, which were wobbling dangerously. Kylo turned around and wiped the tears that had gathered under Hux’s eyes with his thumb, then brought him in for a hug.

“It’ll be all over soon. Just a few minutes and then we’re out.” Kylo whispered. Hux was limp in his embrace, arms hanging by his sides.

Kylo led them out of the bedroom, then out of their quarters. He considering putting on his mask before they left, but decided against it. Hux held his hand weakly, and Kylo gave him a gentle squeeze. They never showed affection outside of their quarters, but it was different, now.

They attracted a few nervous glances from passing officers and stormtroopers, intrigued by the sight of Kylo Ren unmasked, holding the General’s hand. Kylo glared at them menacingly, and none of them said a word.

They reached the entrance of the medbay appointment wing. The doors were locked, since it was past normal appointment hours, but Kylo punched in his override code and the doors slid open.

He tried to take a step, but the tug on his arm turned his head. Hux wouldn't budge, refusing to cross the threshold into the medbay. Kylo tugged his hand gently and Hux took a deep breath, set a shaky foot forward, and stepped inside.

 

* * *

 

The same nurse Kylo had met the day before was waiting for them in front of the reception desk. Kylo nodded to her in lieu of greeting.

“Lord Ren. General Hux. Nice to see you two.” She smiled politely.

“You’re here a bit early, but we can go ahead and get you in a room. Dr. Lesath is finishing some things up in the emergency wing, so it may be a few minutes before she can get to you.”

Hux’s hand trembled in Kylo’s. Kylo glanced at him — he was sheet-white and sweating, and they had hardly been inside the medbay for more than a few moments.

“That’s fine. Show us the room.”

She turned around and led the way through an adjacent hallway, stopping at a scale by one of the doors. She looked at Hux.

“I’m going to get your weight before we go inside, and then your blood pressure. Is that okay?”  
  
Kylo almost answered for him, but Hux forced out a response.

“Y—yes."

“Just stand right here, alright?”

Kylo guided Hux to stand on the scale, reluctantly letting go of his hand. It didn’t take long, the machine beeped and the nurse typed something into her datapad, then opened an adjacent door.

Hux stepped off as soon as it beeped and grabbed hold of Kylo’s arm again, tightly. They were led into the examination room.

The lights were slightly dimmed, but it was chilly, clinical. Kylo had to practically drag Hux inside.

They sat on an examination table together, the waxy paper crinkling underneath them. The nurse grabbed a blood pressure cuff from the wall and approached Hux.

“May I see your arm, sir?”

Kylo gently prodded Hux to unpry his fingers from the death grip they had around Kylo’s arm, and to bring his arm forward. The nurse rolled up his sleeve and attached the cuff.

Hux looked like he was about to pass out while it was happening, but his blood pressure was taken without incident. The nurse removed the cuff and hung it back on the wall.

“Dr. Lesath will be here in just a moment. Is there anything I can get you while you wait?”

“No.” Kylo replied, quickly. “We’re fine.”

The nurse smiled again politely, wished them a good day, and left the room. Hux was again clinging to Kylo’s arm, with both hands.

“You did really good.” Kylo muttered, after a few moments. “That went really well.”

Hux exhaled shakily in response, and closed his eyes.

The minutes passed, and Hux was starting to droop onto Kylo’s shoulder, his shaking somewhat having subsided. Kylo raised his other hand and rubbed his arm, silently cursing the doctor for taking so long, for prolonging Hux’s torment.

As soon as the thought occurred to him, the door opened, and Dr. Lesath entered.

Kylo straightened up. Hux didn’t move, but his grip tightened painfully around Kylo’s arm.

“Dr. Lesath.”  
  
Lesath nodded.

“Nice to see you, Lord Ren, General Hux. I apologize for the delay.”

“It’s fine.” Kylo muttered. It wasn't fine.

“It’ll take just a moment, and then you’re free to leave. I see Nurse Ribay already got your weight and blood pressure, that’s good.”

She paused for a moment, turning towards them.

“Well… General Hux?”

Kylo winced at the fingernails digging into his skin. Hux didn’t seem capable of saying anything.

Lesath bent down just the slightest bit, so she wasn’t looming over the two of them.

“I know this must be extraordinarily unpleasant for you, and I’ll do my best to make this as quick and painless as possible. If it starts to get uncomfortable for you, just tell me to stop, alright?”

Hux choked out what sounded like it could’ve been an “okay”, muffled by the fabric of Ren’s robes.

“Good.” Lesath replied, and walked to the opposite counter. There was a vial already there, and she pulled a box of gloves out of the drawers and snapped them on. She pulled out a syringe and needle from another one, starting to prepare the injection.

Hux looked up, trying to see what Lesath was doing. He saw the needle and trembled violently, knuckles turning white from how hard he was holding onto Kylo’s arm.

Kylo worried, suddenly, that Hux would wet himself in his fear. Kylo had done it more than once as a young boy, having been easily frightened. The degradation and humiliation of this was enough, Hux would never live it down if he made a mess of himself as well.

Kylo stroked Hux’s arm, useless as the action seemed to be, hoping it offered some modicum of comfort. He wanted to hold Hux in his arms, but this woman was still a stranger, and Kylo was still nervous to show such intimacy outside their quarters.

As Lesath walked towards them, Hux drew farther and farther into Kylo’s side. She set the syringe on the counter, and turned to them.

“May I see your arm, sir?”

Hux made a pained noise and tried to hide farther into Kylo’s robes.

“You need to let go of my arm… Hux.” It still felt odd to call him that in this state, but it would be inappropriate to call him Armitage in front of his staff.

Hux made a vague noise Kylo interpreted as confirmation, but he didn’t move.

Kylo tried to unpry Hux’s fingers from his arm, first gently, but they wouldn’t budge. He tried more forcefully, in frustration, and Hux yelped loudly in pain. Kylo berated himself silently.

Lesath stepped back.

“I can’t, I can’t!” Hux gasped, panicked.

“They won’t move, I can’t move them, I’m sorry!” Hux sobbed, what little of his dignity he was trying to maintain slipping out of his grasp.

“It’s okay. Your fingers have just locked up.” Lesath explained, calmly. “You need to relax if you can, then slowly try to uncurl them. It’ll take a bit.”

Hux put his head down and scrunched his eyes closed, tears still dripping onto his lap. Kylo rubbed his hand soothingly, and after several minutes, he was able to move back each finger, gently straightening out his hand and removing it from his arm. Hux moved his fingers in and out of a fist, the movements slow and delayed, as if they were moving through mud. Kylo guided the hand to rest on Hux’s lap.

Lesath took a step forward and reached for syringe, bringing it forward. She flicked off the cap and leaned in, taking Hux’s arm. Kylo held his breath. Hux hadn’t reacted yet. She was bringing the needle forward, and then Hux screamed.

“No, NO!”

Lesath stepped back immediately, lowering the needle. Kylo’s heart sunk.

Hux made a strange sound, yelling and then gasping, hunched over as his breaths came faster and faster, hyperventilating.

“Help him sit up.” Lesath instructed. “Take deep breathes, slowly.”

Kylo did as he was told, propping Hux up so he wasn’t hunched over. Hux struggled, wanting to bend back down, but he was held there, Kylo’s hands supporting him.

He managed to get his breathing under control, eventually, but he was wailing loudly, clinging tightly to Kylo’s arm once again and burying his face in it. His cries were deafening, nearly screams. Kylo rubbed his shoulder, trying to comfort him, to no avail.

This went on for several minutes. Dr. Lesath was paused, thinking.

Kylo made up his mind, suddenly.

“C’mere.” He lifted Hux and positioned him so he was sitting sideways in Kylo’s lap. Hux yelped in fear but Kylo held him firmly, wrapping his arms around his and holding him close, almost like an infant. Hux grabbed at his robes and buried his face in Kylo’s chest, going quiet for a moment, still crying softly against him but no longer wailing.

“Shh, Armie. It's gonna be okay.” Kylo whispered, stroking Hux’s arm protectively. “Shh.”

“I’m here, I won't let anything bad happen to you.”

Hux’s grip grew tighter, the fabric of Kylo’s robes bunching up around it.

“It’s gonna be okay, I promise. I love you.”

His face burned, saying this in front of Dr. Lesath. It didn't matter. Embarrassment be damned. He'd do anything for Hux.

Hux hiccuped. He still cried, but softer now, refusing to move his face from where it was pressed against Kylo’s chest. His arm was positioned perfectly to the side, gripping the front of Kylo’s robe.

Dr. Lesath made eye contact with Kylo, a silent question in her eyes. Kylo nodded.

She stepped forward quietly, placing a gloved hand softly on his arm. Hux flinched, but didn’t move. Kylo kept his hand on the back of Hux’s head, making sure he didn’t look.

She brought the syringe forward slowly, and Kylo held his breath again.

It made contact, sunk into the skin quickly, and Lesath depressed the plunger. Hux yelled wordlessly into Kylo’s robe, and after a moment, Lesath stepped back.

Hux went limp in Kylo’s arms, suddenly, all the tension leaving his body. His head drooped, mouth open slightly.

Kylo panicked, wondering if Lesath had somehow given him a sedative, by mistake or otherwise. He looked up and Lesath looked slightly amused, seeing the question on his face.

“Don’t worry, that’s not the drug. I think he’s just relieved.” Lesath capped the needle and disposed of it in a sharps container, then pulled off her gloves and threw them in the trash can.

“All that stress takes a toll on a person. I’d suggest he take the day off tomorrow, if he'll listen to one of us.”

Kylo wondered, briefly, if he had the authority to give her a raise. He could at least have some flowers sent to her office.

“That’s all that needed to be done. You may leave whenever you’re ready.”  
  
Kylo nodded. “Thank you.”

“It’s my honor to help the General. Don’t forget to give my office a call if you need anything else, Lord Ren.” she said, smiling as she stepped out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.

Hux shuddered once more, then relaxed into his arms. Kylo closed his eyes and held him, protectively.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for sticking with this fic! this is the end of the first part, but there will be a sequel (Disconnect the Dots), which will feature the mission to Akuria, kylo and hux's Feelings post-incident, and focus a bit more on the age-regression aspect of it. a few things:
> 
> 1\. I'm interested in commissioning some artwork for this fic! but I'd like people to decide what scene they want to draw, if you're interested, hmu on [tumblr](http://www.r2q5.tumblr.com)
> 
> 2\. if you've been reading this fic and enjoying it, please leave a comment! even if it's just a word or two, it means a ton to me. 
> 
> thank you! <3
> 
> EDIT:
> 
> The sequel is now posted and in-progress, check it out [here.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12739392/chapters/29053089)


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